- Snakes in the grass beneath our feet.
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shelbea- December 2nd, 2008
calm
I no longer feel like a brittle toothpick ready to break.
It's great, really.
I haven't blogged in a long time. So, I'll update.
To wrap up the other previous blogs:
I've found that I have completely broken away from all the needs I used to have; concerning Matthew.
It sounds ridiculous, but I barely think about him anymore.
I feel terrible saying that. I feel like I'm saying that the year we were together was a waste.
But it wasn't. he gave me everything I needed for as long as he could, and I truly appreciate it. I owe him, really.
At least now we can both find someone that isn't 1,000 miles away. It's better that way.
I'm happier.
I have friends who make me very happy here in Maryland. I couldn't be more grateful.
I'm getting amazing grades, and my art is going really well.
I slammed my finger in a drawer today.
I was looking for clothes in a frenzy. I get really nervous easily, and I don't know why I was nervous, because I had all the time in the world.
...Oh yeah.
It was because it was REALLY cold.
And being naked isn't exactly the ideal condition you want to be in when you're really cold.
My hair is kinda poof right now, because.... Well, I'm not really sure why, It just does that. Maybe I need to leave it alone for a while, instead of blow drying it and straightening it.
My braces got tightened yesterday.
My teeth feel smaller! They don't feel like they're sticking out as much. I definitely see a difference.
However, one tooth on my left side has moved inwards a LOT and it looks worse. *sigh*
They said they'll probably get around to that next month. I'm really self conscious about my teeth still, but I'm so excited to see a change.
Only 17 more months to go! Wooooo!
I think I'll invest in buying a new dress.
I don't own any dresses, but I think I should start to get into that. I can't always be reserved in a pair of jeans. I might have to go out somewhere nice, and I don't want to be self conscious like I usually am in a dress or skirt. I kind of feel like I'm naked when I'm wearing a skirt. And my butt gets REALLY COLD. And when my butt gets cold, everything gets cold. It's a terrible chain reaction, and it forbids me from walking around my room naked in the Winter. Being naked is SO COMFY too. It's a shame, really.
The only people I really talk to now, are Julia and Peter.
I wish Julia lived here. I miss her. I haven't seen her in.....Oh at least 6 months. She should move in with me. Oh, if only that was possible.
We could paint together. We could talk about the strange things we always talk about. She could meet Peter!!! I miss her.
And Peter has always been my Best Friend in Maryland. Since day one, quite literally. I'm always really happy when we're together.
And of course, I have other friends.. They just don't really talk to me that much unless they need something. Or at least it feels that way.
And some of my friends have an extremely stressful lifestyle. I mean, I love them to DEATH. But it stresses me out to be around their habits, you know? I'm not against it in anyway, but it really just causes me to break down a lot. Sometimes it hits a little too close to home.
Speaking of home.
It's not looking too great.
I learned that unfavorable things are happening in my parent's house with my siblings, to say the least.
It made me feel the immense guilt that washes over me from time to time for leaving them alone.
Sometimes I wish that I had never left my siblings to fight for themselves.
But everyone has their own chance in life to move on.
I had mine, and I took it.
It's all up to them to take that chance when it happens to them too.
So they can escape as I did.
I can't make them happy. Because if I tried and succeeded, then that wouldn't be real happiness for them. Does that make sense?
I find that (after many trials and errors), you have to make you happy before you can start to flourish and move on.
I never realized that until recently.
Take my advice: Never depend on someone else to be your sole path to happiness.
Because whether you want to accept it or not, people always leave.
Whether it's 5 months or 50 years after- You always end up with yourself. And if you aren't happy with yourself, then where are you? You don't know who you are. Happiness often defines identity. People attach to it so much, that they integrate themselves with the source as much as possible. So if you don't have your own happiness, if you don't create your own future, then you're setting yourself up for the biggest fall in your life. And some people never get up.
And that is why I am not making my siblings' lives.
I will not make that path for them. I will not draw their lines, for them to just simply color in.
Instead,
I will guide them to the lighted paths for them to choose from. I will give them the blank canvases to illustrate their own portraits. I will even give them new ones for when they meet utter defeat and have to start all over.
I will never allow them to grow up alone.
Even though I am 1,300 miles away from them, I will still complete my role as their big sister and their mother as I once was.
God, I miss them so much.
I miss their pearly smiles. Their bubbly eyes.
Oh and the sound of their laughter.
The kind of laugh that only chimes in half the time, because they're laughing so hard they can't breathe. I miss making them laugh.
I miss whisking them up to my room when things got ugly with my parents.
I'd lock the door and blast my techno music.
We'd all dance and...Even though it was forbidden....We jumped on the bed.
We stayed up late and I'd give them my stuffed animals to huggle with.
We'd have one big sleepover in my room.
Where it was safe.
Behind locked doors.
Away from the screaming and the violence.
Together.
I can't wait until I see them again. I'll see them in the Spring.
It's been far too long. It'll be a year by the time I'll see them next.
Haha look at me, I lost myself in my thoughts.
Kudos to you if you read the whole thing.
I'm going to go and lay down though,
My teeth hurt.
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